Advice from others
1. You should know what you say, but not
always say what you know.
2. We are all unique, and parts our
uniqueness include faults and weaknesses.
3. Feeling sad is a fabrication of the
mind. Do not cling to or desire anything.
4. Every person is a creation of
himself, the image of his own thinking and believing.
5. Avoid the mistake of personalizing
everything.
6. Although everything seems real in our
dream, it is a false reality. Everything we hear, see, and do is false, a mere
figment of our imagination.
7. The opinions we hold become our
beliefs, and those beliefs become the principles that we live by.
8. No seed ever sees its flower it will
become.
9. We
are here to contribute to life, to make a difference, either contribute to hope or despair.
10. The
smallest of steps can be significant, for when you contribute to the
self-esteem and self-confidence of another human being, you
are offering a priceless gift.
11. Nobody
can do everything, but everyone can do something.
12. “Do
more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help.
Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be
kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work.”
13. “when
I listened most closely, I could hear the unheard—the sound of flowers opening,
the sound of the sun warming the earth, and the sound of the grass drinking the
morning dew.”
14. Anyone
can hear with their ears, but if we wish to make a difference, we have to
listen with our heart.
15. : "Thoughts of your mind have
made you what you are and thoughts of your mind will make you what you become
from this day forward."
16. Destiny is not something that happens
to us, but something we create.
17. Don't let the behaviour of others
annoy you, for half the time it is caused by their personal problems and
weaknesses and the other half it is caused by your misperceptions.
18. Don't let the behaviour of others
annoy you, for half the time it is caused by their personal problems and
weaknesses and the other half it is caused by your misperceptions.
19. If we have to struggle through life,
why struggle and lose? Why not struggle and win?
20. Our thoughts are the building blocks
of our reality.
21. "We are what we think. All that
we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world."
22. Try not to become a man of success
but rather try to become a man of value.
23. Knowledge is power, but only when we
use it, so don't just read, but apply what you learn.
24. “Success is not final, failure is not
fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.”
25. Failure offers the chance to return
stronger, wiser and smarter than we were before. But we have to actively make
use of this opportunity. If we don’t, then failure will destroy us.
26. Mental toughness is spartanism with
qualities of sacrifice, self-denial, and dedication. It is fearlessness, and it
is love."
27. The successes that we have achieved
were not entirely of our own doing
28. All traces of self-importance
evaporate when we contemplate the vast unknown.
29. Humility is the fruit of awareness.
30. “By all means, marry. If you get a
good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a
philosopher.”
31. The only true wisdom is in knowing
you know nothing.
32. “Strong minds discuss ideas, average
minds discuss events, and weak minds discuss people.”
33. “Strong minds discuss ideas, average
minds discuss events, and weak minds discuss people.”
34. “Employ your time in improving
yourself by other men’s writings, so that you shall gain easily what others
have labored hard for.”
35. “Death may be the greatest of all
human blessings.”
36. “Death may be the greatest of all
human blessings.”
37. “Every action has its pleasures and
its price.”
38. “I cannot teach anybody anything. I
can only make them think.
39. “When the debate is lost, slander
becomes the tool of the loser.”
40. Today is a gift — which is why they
call it the present.
41. If we are alive, we have time.
42. Don’t seek to live a longer life, but
seek to live a fuller life.
43. "He who envies others does not
obtain peace of mind."
44. Blessed is he who has learned to
admire but not envy, to follow but not imitate, to praise but not flatter, and
to lead but not manipulate.
45. First person vies point is the
fundamental asymmetry of humanity.
46. Resentment is like taking poison and
hoping the other person dies.
47. Don't waste time trying to change
what cannot be changed.
48. Men do not change, they unmask
themselves.
49. Egocentrism, relates to a lack of empathy and respect for others. It may be related to an overzealous display
of status, a generous or false self-image, failure to counterbalance the first-person viewpoint, or a counterfeit display of
stature.
50. Daily hassles, poor sleep, loud
noise, too much to do, missed meals, missed appointments, overdue bills, unkind
words from a friend or co-worker, car troubles, disease or injury, getting
fired; death of a friend, acquaintance, or pet are all examples of loses we
experience as a normal part of life. Stress is our effort to resist the loss and restore equilibrium.
51. Burnout is an exhaustion of resources
as a result of chronic stress. Trauma is an overwhelming
stress that exceeds our ability to cope. We worry from the
time we notice a stressor until we begin to cope with it.
52. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is
an anxiety disorder that can develop after
exposure to an extreme stressor such as a terrifying ordeal in which grave
physical harm occurred or was threatened.
53. When people cannot adequately cope
with a catastrophic event they are in crisis. People often require
some reorganization of their personality structure to resume normal life after
suffering a crisis.
54. Tension is who you think you should
be. Relaxation is who you are.
55. Some conditions, such as poverty,
chronic incurable disease, or living in high crime neighborhoods, are
ever-present stressors. The result is chronic stress. Depending on individual
differences and the resources available for coping with such chronic
conditions, some people are able to manage well and take it all in stride while
others suffer significant adverse effects.
56. Homeostasis: a stable internal equilibrium using a dynamic process;
regulates body temperature, heart rate, blood sugar levels, blood chemistry,
and many other microscopic and macroscopic internal body conditions essential
for our on-going survival. Homeostatic regulation allows an organism to
function effectively in a broad range of environmental conditions. Stressors
challenge homeostasis because they upset equilibrium. Stress is the body's
effort required to restore equilibrium through homeostasis.
57. Whether it's a pushy person, a
control freak, a bully, or an outright tyrant, the problem is the same: their goals
are always more important than yours. A difficult, pushy person has gone too
far again. They are bossing you around, acting selfish and self-important,
threatening you, making demands, barking orders, and abusing their power. Control freaks, imperative people, and tyrants exercise
power in a harsh, cruel, or destructive manner. They are oppressive, harsh,
arbitrary people who make life difficult for too many of us. They are annoying, inconsiderate, and demeaning. What are they thinking? How can we
respond constructively?
58. Tyrants, dictators, despots,
autocrats, authoritarians, imperialists, fascists, Czars, Nazis, and monarchs
practice their tyranny, totalitarianism, absolute rule, and domination on a
larger and more destructive scale.
59. Egotists are self-centered. They have
been seduced by their first-person viewpoint. It's all about them; they are
motivated only by their own self-interests. They lack empathy for others. They are controlling because only their
needs matter.
60. Narcissists have a grandiose sense of
self-importance. They exaggerate their achievements and expect to be recognized
as superior, even when their accomplishments are ordinary. They fantasize
attaining unlimited success or power. They believe they are special and require excessive
admiration. They lack empathy and exploit others to achieve their own ends. They
often envy others or believe others envy
them. They are controlling because only they matter.
61. Psychopaths are anti-social. They
totally disregard the rights of others. They feel little or no remorse for the harm they cause others. They blame the victim
and lack empathy. They are deceitful, aggressive,
tough minded, glib, superficial, exploitative, irresponsible, and impulsive. Yet they may display
a superficial charm. They are controlling because others don't matter.
62. Contingent self esteem: The biggest
secret is that I'm not as good as I appear to be. My image has to be controlled at all
cost. Because I feel inferior, I have to act superior. My biggest fear is that
someone will discover I'm a wimp. The only opinion I have of myself is the
opinion others have of me. How I feel depends entirely on what you think of me.
I depend desperately on your approval to establish and maintain my self-worth.
I work full time to cover up my vulnerability. I crave your affirmation and
approval. I must control or even humiliate you so you don't humiliate me.
63. Dignity is intrinsic to every human. It does not have to be earned,
it cannot be granted, and it cannot be taken away. The tyrant can neither strip
you of your dignity nor can he provide you with dignity. We all share a long
list of intrinsic similarities. You remain a worthy human being
regardless of what the tyrant does. It is your own choice, your own asset, do
not squander it. The oppressed are no less worthy than the powerful.
64. The best leaders are the best
servants. Leadership
is not about controlling people; it's about caring for people and being a
useful resource for people. The best leaders help people work together and do
their best to achieve an important goal. Their actions focus on accomplishing as a team much more
than any one person could accomplish alone. Leadership is about helping people
attain the goal, not about aggrandizing the leader. Tyrants don't serve and
servants don't control. Tyrants are not leaders, and any contrary myths need to
be exposed as false.
65. Scapegoats are chosen as convenient
proxies. They
are easy targets chosen to accept blame, displace responsibility for problems from where it
truly belongs, and to distract attention from the actual problems. Tyrants
identify scapegoats to distract attention from
their own misdeeds. The scapegoat is not the problem, don't be distracted, look
elsewhere for the real cause. Analyze cause and effect more carefully, avoid
the fallacy of disproportionate responsibility, determine more accurately
where responsibly actually belongs. Draw
attention away from the scapegoat and toward the real problem.
66. No one is powerless.
We each have our own sources of
power. The boss depends on the secretary, the doctor depends on nurses and
patients, and the manager depends on the workers.
67. Do not tolerate ego rants. Do your homework, get the facts
right, and present your case clearly, calmly, and
persuasively. You can challenge an authority by respectfully asking: “How do you know?”, “Why do you say what you say?”, “What is the evidence to support your position?”, and “Who disagrees with
you?”
68. Don't be mislead by image,
boasting, intimidation, pedigree, and posturing. Demonstrate leadership through
hard work, not privilege. Apply your talents regardless of your present social
position. Seek stature, not status.
69. Power tends to corrupt, and absolute
power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men.
70. Never feel overwhelmed when you are
overwhelmed with evidence of injustice.
71. No one can take advantage of you
without your permission.
72. You can decide when to ignore, yield
to, appease, or accommodate the control-freak's requests. You can also decide
when to confront the unreasonable behavior and insist on change. Keep an
effective strategy in mind to help you choose your battles carefully. With
careful preparation, you can always walk away.
73. Both fear and anxiety are provoked by danger. Fear is the response to a
specific and immediate danger. Anxiety results from a non-specific or
generalized concern or threat. Fear is a perceived (external) threat; anxiety
is a conceived (internal) threat.
74. Synonyms for anxiety include:
apprehension, anguish, unease, concern, nervous, misgiving, qualm, disquiet,
distress, unnerved, distraught, threatened, defensive, uneasiness, edgy,
jittery, trepidation, timid, tense, uneasy, consternation, and worry. The terms
dread, alarm, and panic may refer to either anxiety or fear.
75. Anxiety is closely related to stress. Anxiety is a response to a general threat; a form of loss.
Stress is a general response to meaningful loss.
76. Anxiety is the interest paid on
trouble before it is due.
77. A conceived threat—resulting from
contemplating harmful future events—triggers your anxiety.
78. A perceived threat--something scary
happens in your world that you perceive as a threat. You are afraid and need to
choose the right path for your fear.
79. Unhinged: If you are anxious and fail to
relax, you can become unhinged. This can lead to serious problems of: panic
attacks, phobias, post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive
disorder, and generalized anxiety. These problems require immediate
professional help. Get the help you need.
80. Do I not destroy my enemies when I
make them my friends?
81. We feel guilt when others have reason
to think poorly of us. We are guilty when we harm others,
we feel guilty when we recognize that harm. Guilt encourages
us to obey the golden rule and act compassionately. Guilt is the emotion that reflects a decrease in our social standing, while shame reflects a decrease in stature.
82. The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
it droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath. It is twice
blest: It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.
83. The weak can never forgive.
Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
84. Listen to your inner voice... for it
is a deep and powerful source of wisdom, beauty and truth, ever flowing through
you... Learn to trust it, trust your intuition, and in good time, answers to
all you seek to know will come, and the path will open before you.
85. Remember that intuition is what you
are feeling or sensing, not what you are thinking about. So, learn to separate
your feelings from your thoughts.
86. I believe in intuition and
inspiration. Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is
limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress,
giving birth to evolution. It is, strictly speaking, a real factor in
scientific research. “The only real valuable thing is intuition.”
87. If the gift is given for personal
gain, or with an expectation of reciprocation or future obligation, to feel
self-important, or to alleviate guilt it is not a gracious gift and the
recipient may not feel gratitude.
88. You have been insulted, your ego is
bruised, your pride is hurt, you have been shown
powerless and diminished in some way, and now you are hurt and mad as hell! You have just been humiliated, it is unfair,
and you don't like feeling foolish. Humiliation often results in violent
retaliation and revenge.
89. People believe they deserve their
shame, they do not believe they deserve their humiliation. Humiliation is seen
as unjust.
90. People in power use humiliation
as a form of social control; it is a common tool of oppression. The fear of humiliation is also a powerful motivating
force.
91. So many bad things beyond your
control have happened, you are overwhelmed and have stopped trying to help
yourself. Your vitality and zest are gone, you are listless and discouraged,
and you believe that nothing you do even matters. You have lost the struggle
and learned to become helpless, and you are now passive and complacent even
though you could take action to help yourself. Perhaps rethinking how you
explain these events to yourself can help you cope better.
92. Having responsibility is the duty or
obligation to act. Taking responsibility is acknowledging and
accepting the choices you have made, the actions you have taken, and the
results they have led to. True autonomy leads to both having responsibility
and taking responsibility. Taking responsibly is fulfilling
your role in life. Responsibility is an essential element of integrity; it is
the congruence of what you think, what you say, and what you do. Responsibility
is essential for reciprocity, trust, and for maintaining symmetric relationships.
93. Responsibility without choice is
torment. Choice without responsibility is greed.
94. Manipulation—attempting to control people without letting them know your intentions—deceit,
blather, obfuscation, bogus issues, swashbuckling, intimidation, busy work,
infighting, cross purposes, playing games, back stabbing, getting even,
entrapment, gotcha, hidden agendas, speculation, covert operations.
95. Missed opportunities. We are often wary when we meet
a stranger for the first time. We are often approach people we first meet with
caution, and sometimes even alarm, fearing they may be untrustworthy. We miss
many opportunities to meet new people, explore interesting topics, innovate,
create, collaborate, and discover new friends because of this caution.
96. We trust people most who are similar
to us and who genuinely care about us. We trust people with substantial but not
invulnerable power. Exposing vulnerabilities increases trust because it
demonstrates human qualities. In addition exercising restraint by showing
compassion rather than taking advantage of exposed vulnerabilities demonstrates
trust.
97. Inquiry, evidence, and argument are
the powerful tools we use to accurately determine what is. They
provide foundation, stability, and balance to our human spirit's ambitions,
aspirations, optimism, hopes, imagination, and distortions. They are the tools we use to test
assumptions and understand cause-and-effect relationships in the world around
us. The goal is accuracy in facts, analysis, reason, and conclusions.
98. Facts are stubborn and the pen is
mightier than the sword. Embrace facts as your friends while maintaining a
healthy skepticism. Be prepared to reevaluate your
opinions, interpretations, beliefs, assumptions, and conclusions as new information, evidence,
or analysis becomes available or is better understood. Develop, refine, and
apply your own theory of knowledge to make your own best decisions. Stay curious.
99. Dismiss Irrelevant Information
Much of
the information we are exposed to is irrelevant, distracting, distorting, and
not suitable evidence. These various non sequiturs—inferences or
conclusions that do not follow from the premises—were recognized and named by
the ancient Greeks, yet they continue to be prevalent today. Here is a
brief description of these seductive fallacies of irrelevance:
§ Ad ignorantiam—from ignorance—This is the fallacy of claiming a
statement is either true or false without having evidence or any valid reason
supporting the claim.
§ Ad vericundium—appeal to authority—This is the fallacy of appealing to the
power, position, or fame of the person making a claim rather than to their
expertise. This is discussed at length under the topics “Evaluating Authority”
and “Evidence and power” above.
§ Post hoc ergo propter hoc—after this, therefore because of
this—This is the fallacy of concluding that because one event follows another,
the first caused the second. Concluding that a rainstorm was caused by a rain
dance is an example of this fallacy. This fallacy sneaks in when ‘the sun rose
after the rooster crows’ becomes ‘the sun rose because the
rooster crows’. In fact, causality is a complex topic and is difficult to
prove. John Stewart Mills proposed his “canons of induction” also know as “Mills Methods” as a test for establishing that “A”
causes “B”. This is an important basis for the scientific method. Be careful to use the word
“because” only to describe a cause and effect relationship that you know
exists.
§ Ad populum—appeal to the people—This is the
fallacy of accepting something as fact simply because many other people also
believe it to be true.
§ Ad baculum—appeal to force—This
is the fallacy that “might makes right”; accepting as correct the point of view
or opinion of someone willing to use force to suppress inquiry, alternative
points-of-view, or contrary evidence. As an example, frustrated mothers
sometimes answer their misbehaving and defiant three-year-olds by saying
“because I'm the mother”. Tyrants provide many more consequential examples throughout
history.
§ Ad misericordiam—appeal to pity—This is the fallacy
of accepting a point-of-view or opinion of someone because they deserve
our pity. For example, someone might argue
they deserve a raise by saying they might lose their house if they don't get
more money.
§ Ad hominem—argument against the man—In this fallacy the character of an expert is
attacked (or praised) as an attempt to discredit (or establish) the information
they provide. An example is discrediting Bill Clinton's foreign policy because
he had improper sexual liaisons. Advancing a deliberate ad hominem fallacy
crosses the line from argument to attack and
can easily become a precursor to hate. It is dangerous because it promotes the false belief that destroying
the person can eliminate the unwanted or inconvenient information or idea.
§ Accident and Converse
Accident—drawing hasty conclusions—are fallacies inferring that each member of
a group shares the characteristics of the group, or that the group is
characterized by the attributes of one particular member. These are the
fallacies of stereotyping and non-representative samples. The logical fallacy
of accident, also called destroying the exception or a dicto simpliciter ad dictum secundum
quid, is a fallacy
occurring when an exception to the generalization is ignored. Applying a stereotype that does not accurately
describe an individual is an example of this type of fallacy. The logical
fallacy of converse accident (also called reverse accident, destroying the
exception or a dicto secundum quid ad dictum simpliciter) is a fallacy that can occur when an
exception to a generalization is wrongly called for.
It is
surprising that these fallacies are so common, even though they have been well
known for thousands of years. When someone persists in obscuring evidence with
these fallacies, they are being careless, ignorant, biased, manipulative, or malicious.
Don't be persuaded.
Know the
rules of logic and be alert for their fallacies. Even if evidence is accurate
and relevant, it can be easily used in a variety of invalid arguments to draw
wrong conclusions from improper inferences. Resolve ambiguity and challenge
equivocation. Recognize and avoid these fallacies of ambiguity:
§ Petitio principii—a request for the premise—also known
as circular reasoning or begging the question. It is a fallacy for a premise to
rely in any way on the conclusion. For example, explaining that “Joe is not
here because he does not go to parties” provides no information. It is
equivalent to saying “Joe is not at this party because Joe does not go to
parties.” More subtle examples are common and often go unrecognized or
unchallenged.
§ Complex Question—basing a question on an unproven
assumption—It is deceitful to pose an unsubstantiated statement or opinion in
the form of a question, yet it is often done. Parents are being manipulative
when they ask their child “Would you like to be a good boy and go to bed now?”
The coupling of “being a good boy” with the request to “go to bed now”
establishes an unproven contingency because a bad boy might choose to go to bed
now or a good boy might choose to stay up longer.
§ Equivocation—Exploiting ambiguous
language—Many words have several, often disparate meanings. Confusing these
meanings is the fallacy of
equivocation.
Consider this joke as an example: Mom to teenage daughter leaving on a date:
“Now be good dear.” Boyfriend remarking to his girlfriend after a steamy date:
“Wow, you really were good!”
§ Amphiboly—two in a lump—This fallacy exploits
an ambiguous grammatical construct. A sign stating “No Smoking Permitted” can
be interpreted to mean that it is permissible to not smoke, but it is also
permissible to smoke, since smoking is not specifically prohibited by the
ambiguous language.
§ Accent—ambiguity based on
emphasis—Aristotle originally used this to describe differences in meaning
resulting from differences in the pronunciation of words. For example, the
phrase “I resent that letter” can be read to mean the letter was sent again, or
the letter was seen as offensive, depending on the accent of the second word.
More recently this fallacy is used to describe quotations taken out of context,
a headline that screams about some minor detail, or the “catch” hidden in the
fine print and ignored by the sales pitch.
§ Category Mistake—Not recognizing the composite
from the collected elements—For example, complaining that you can't find any
forest here, all you see is a bunch of trees.
§ Composition Error—incorrectly
projecting attributes of a part onto the whole—For example, since Joe is a good
player, and he plays for team X, then team X must be a good team.
§ Division Error—incorrectly projecting
attributes of the whole onto each component part—For example, to say “XYZ is a
good corporation, so I am sure that Mr. X who works there must be a fine
fellow” is invalid. Also, to say that “Suzie lives in a big house, so I'm sure
she has a big bedroom” is also invalid. Another form of this error is
illustrated by this example: Dogs often run stray, the Chinese Shar-pei is a
breed of dog, so I'm sure they often run stray.
§ False dilemma—exploiting ambiguous
complements—Declaring that “you are either with us or against us” presents a
false dilemma because “against us” is not an accurate set complement (i.e.
encompasses everything else) of “with us”. The dilemma is false because it
ignores the middle ground. In this example it is possible to primarily agree on
some issues, primarily disagree on others, have partial agreement or
disagreement on issues, and to have no established position on still others.
101. Seek
truth from facts.
102. A lie unchallenged becomes the
truth.
103. Reality is always your friend.
104. We feel guilt when others have
reason to think poorly of us. We are guilty when we harm others, we feel
guilty when we recognize that harm. Guilt encourages us to obey the golden rule
and act compassionately. Guilt is the emotion that reflects a decrease in our social standing, while shame reflects a decrease in stature.
105. If you feel remorse, yet fail to
effectively apologize, and make restitution then you will
feel shame and the injured party will remain
unsatisfied. It is time to get on with the apology.
106. Denial, excuses, self pity, and blame only prolong the agony. You cannot change what you do not acknowledge. Why are you feeling badly?
Analyze the transgression, decide what you truly believe, gather evidence and accurately evaluate your behavior, identify the choices
you made and the responsibility you have, and get on with the process of
restitution. If the guilt persists, it is probably because you are persisting
in denial and are not taking responsibility, feeling remorse, and making
effective restitution.
107. When we suffer an important loss, we naturally seek to attribute blame and identify alterative responses. We can blame ourselves,
others, the environment, and chance, all of these or none of these. We examine
our sense of justice as we decide if the event
and actions were fair or unfair. We consider what we can change and what we
cannot change. We look to the past,
present, and future.
When an important event occurs we are
inclined to solve the emerging problem or seize the new opportunity. Assessment
is the work of defining the problem. It is the first step in finding a
solution.
108. * We become surprised because the event was unexpected. Therefore we had no foreknowledge or
forewarning of the event.
·
We
are afraid because we perceive the threat of
imminent danger. What did we observe? Why does it represent a threat?
·
We
become angry because we blame someone for an unjust loss. What is the loss? What goal is thwarted? How important is it? What is our sense of justice? Why do we judge their behavior as
unjust? Why do we choose someone to blame?
·
We
feel guilty because we have failed to meet the
another's standard of behavior. What standards were not met? Who values those
standards? Are the standards well founded?
·
We
feel shame because we failed to meet our own
standards. What is the standard? Is it well founded? Does it support our values? Did we do our best?
·
We
gloat when we are pleased about another
person's mishap. Why do we enjoy seeing their mistake? Why did we gloat rather
than feel compassion?
·
We
hate when we dislike others enough to blame them for our own troubles. What is the true cause of or troubles? Why do
we dislike them? Why don't we respond with empathy and compassion? Why do we blame others?
·
We
envy someone because we want what they
have. Who do we envy? What do they have? Why do we want it? Why do we believe
it is valuable? What does that tell us about our motives, goals, and values?
·
We
are jealous because we fear we are unloved. Why
do we feel unloved? What does that tell us about our self?
·
We
are happy because we are progressing toward a goal. What is the goal? What do we regard as progress? Why is the goal
important?
·
We
are proud because we are feeling good about
ourselves. What did we do that we judged as worthy? Is it worthy? Is this a
genuine pride with some substantial and significant basis, or is it a false
pride based on an inflated ego or an unworthy goal? Does it improve our stature or only our status? What does that tell us about our values?
·
We
are relieved when a threat has passed. What was
the threat? What were we in danger of losing? Why do we perceive it as
valuable? How was the threat avoided or overcome?
·
We
are in love! Who do we love? Why do we resonate
together? Why are we attracted to them? Why do we care about them?
·
Ambivalence reveals unresolved conflict between two or more goals. What goals are conflicting? What values can resolve the conflict?
109. How we feel influences the
decisions we make. Our mind consults our body along with our brain.
110. Real wisdom is knowing when to
fight…and when to let go.
111. In times of adversity, try to
keep your basic sense of self-worthiness, self-confidence, and
self-understanding intact so that you’ll be equipped to handle whatever life
presents to you, and so that you never stop loving yourself unconditionally.
112. No life comes with an insurance
policy guaranteeing that “bad things won’t happen to good people.”
Unfortunately, sometimes your fears do come true, and sometimes your dreams
don’t come true.
113. Live in the present, and live
the life your want to live. The present time is the only time when you can do
something about your life and your circumstances. The past is gone, and the
future has not yet happened.
114. A number of fears and anxieties
are caused from not being able to live up to our own high expectations. Who
said that you need to do all things according to your expectations? You can’t
be positive and in control at all times; you have to give yourself some space
for making mistakes and for getting around, or climbing over, obstacles. Nobody
is perfect—why should you be an exception?
115. Who told you that life should be
fair? Yes, life is beautiful and amazing but always unpredictable and sometimes
unfair
116. You hear their words, but are
you buying this? Our conversations are most genuine when we begin with well
considered thoughts, acknowledge our feelings, are clear and honest about what
we want to say and we treat our listeners as respected peers. These are the six
essential elements of authentic expression.
Definitions
1.
Honesty.
2.
Straight
talk.
3.
Making
clear thinking visible.
5.
Common
understanding.
6.
Candor.
7.
Congruence
of intent, thought, feeling, and expression.
117. Blather is talking
without thinking. Synonyms include gossip and bullshit. Examples include small
talk, vamping, bloviating, obscurity, and impulsive or hot headed comments.
Please get to the point, and if you don't have a point, stay silent until you
do.
118. Lies lack veracity. This
includes any misrepresentation or distortion of reality. There are many examples including
fibs, half-truths, misrepresentations, pandering, fabrications, confabulation, falsification, exaggeration, being
out-of-touch, avoidance, invalidation, hoax, prevarication, grin-fake, bogus issues, red-herrings,
irrelevancies, feigned ignorance, discounting, denial, dismissal, distractions,
fantasy, hidden agendas, and sidestepping important issues.
119. Good writing is clear thinking
made visible.
120. Congruence If the essence
of authentic expression can be captured in a
single word it is congruence—alignment and agreement. This
includes congruence between the intent and the words, between the thoughts and
the intent, between the words and the feelings, between the verbal and
non-verbal expression, between the facts and the words, between the words and
the actions, and congruence between the speaker and listener as humans who
respect each other as equals. Congruence between thinking and representative evidence, goals, beliefs, values, and doubts is especially important to authentic
expressions.
121. Melodrama—exaggerated or
unfounded emotional displays—seek to draw unwarranted attention and distort the
importance of the message being sent. The feelings displayed are bogus and
clarity and veracity are often compromised.
122. Sarcasm—bitter
counterstatement—says the opposite of what you are thinking as it passive-aggressively expresses anger and protest. It lacks respect, and clarity, and denies
ownership for angry feelings.
123. Demagoguery—Impassioned
appeals to prejudices and emotions—evokes strong emotions to distract from
faulty thinking. The feelings are overdone, the thinking is weak, the veracity
suffers, and the ruse is disrespectful.
124. Condescension—pretending
to be a peer while believing you are superior—lacks veracity, feeling, respect,
and peer attributes. Pretending is dishonest, it does not reflect what you
think or what you feel. It is disrespectful because it does not authentically recognize your common human bonds. It is not an equal, peer-based
relationship, because you do believe you are superior rather than equal.
125. Vague Language—an
ambiguous message—may result from several deficiencies. It may be a lack of
clear expression, or a lack of clear thinking, or a deliberate attempt at
deception and evasiveness. It could also result from ambivalent feelings, or conflicts between feeling and
thinking. It may be some combination of two or more of these
deficiencies. Fuzzy thinking, ambiguous words, conflicting information,
complex grammar, obfuscation, and incongruence are all examples of vague
language.
126. Vague Language—an
ambiguous message—may result from several deficiencies. It may be a lack of
clear expression, or a lack of clear thinking, or a deliberate attempt at
deception and evasiveness. It could also result from ambivalent feelings, or conflicts between feeling and
thinking. It may be some combination of two or more of these
deficiencies. Fuzzy thinking, ambiguous words, conflicting information,
complex grammar, obfuscation, and incongruence are all examples of vague
language.
127. Mystique—creating an aura
of mystery—withholds clarity and peer relationships to maintain distance and an
enhanced image. The mystic must remain separate to remain special. Once he is
revealed as just another one of us, the mystique is gone. Feelings that
are not authentic may be projected, diminishing the
veracity of the feeling dimension of authentic expression. These pretenses can
be disrespectful.
128. Pitching—advocating a
single point of view to promote a special interest—lacks veracity, feeling, and
respect. Withholding, misrepresenting, or distorting important alternative
viewpoints is dishonest. Often insincere emotions such as joy and excitement
are displayed, while doubt is dismissed. The style of communication, inherent
distortions, and lack of consideration for more important needs of the audience
are often disrespectful. Other examples include evangelizing, persuading,
selling, advertising, advocating, fear mongering, lobbying, and charming.
129. Fawning—appeasing someone
because they hold power over you—lacks peer equality, veracity, feeling, and
thinking. It is a failure to speak truth to power. Appeasement, yessing, insincere
flattery, false praise, kissing up and other failures to speak truth to power
are not authentic. They are not peer-based
communications because the primary message is submission and obedience rather
than accurate and thoughtful feedback on the issue. They lack veracity because
they are not accurate expressions of true thoughts and feelings. The feelings
expressed are not the emotions actually experienced. The thoughts expressed are
dominated by submission, obedience, and fear rather than reflection on the
issues. Respect is often lacking because although deference is shown it may not
reflect broader and authentic considerations of humanity.
130. Obfuscation—intentionally
obscuring the message—lacks clarity and veracity.
131. Bias: The tendency to
attribute positive motives to in-group members (especially yourself) and
negative motives to out-group members (especially those regarded as “the
enemy”).
132. Sunk Cost
Fallacy: Because sunk costs are already spent and cannot be recovered, it
is irrational to consider the value of sunk costs when considering alternative
actions. Future actions cannot reverse past losses. Economics and business
decision-making recognize sunk costs as the costs that have already been
incurred and which can never be recovered to any significant degree. Economic
theory proposes that a rational actor does not let sunk costs influence a
decision because past costs cannot be recovered in any case. This is also
called the bygones principle; let bygones be bygones. This recognizes
that you cannot change the past. The fallacy of sunk
costs is to consider sunk costs when making a decision. Sound business
decisions are based on a forward-looking view, ignoring sunk costs.
Unfortunately human beings continue to value a past investment of money, effort
or some intangible quality (e.g., “credibility” or “face”) independent of the
investment's probability of paying future dividends. The irrelevance of sunk
costs is a well-know principle of business and economics, but common behavior
often ignores this fallacy of trying to undo the past. For example, revenge is an attempt to recover the sunk costs that represent some
past and irrevocable harm or loss. People falsely reason “I have too
much invested to quit now” when it is rational to only look at the future
prospects of the activity. Arguing that “we must continue to fight to honor
those who have already died” is another tragic but appealing fallacy of sunk
costs.
133. The Ego Defense Mechanisms: These distortions help us
avoid accepting evidence that challenges our self-image as a good and worthy
person or that challenge our strongly held stereotypes. Perhaps they act to
reduce anxiety, but because they are
distortions, they are not helpful in the longer term.
1.
Denial:
arguing against an anxiety-provoking stimuli by stating it doesn't exist.
Refusing to perceive the more unpleasant aspects of external reality.
2.
Displacement:
taking out impulses on a less threatening target. The mind redirects emotion
from a ‘dangerous’ object to a ‘safe’ object.
3.
Intellectualization: avoiding unacceptable emotions by focusing on their intellectual
aspects. Concentrating on the intellectual components of the situation to
distance yourself from the anxiety-provoking emotions associated with these
situations.
4.
Projection:
moving unacceptable impulses in yourself onto someone else. Attributing to
others your own unacceptable or unwanted thoughts or emotions.
5.
Rationalization: supplying a logical or rational reason as opposed to the real reason.
Constructing a logical justification for a decision that was originally arrived
at through a different mental process.
6.
Reaction formation: taking the opposite belief because the true belief causes anxiety.
7.
Regression:
returning to a previous stage of development. Reverting to an earlier stage of
development in the face of unacceptable impulses.
8.
Repression:
pulling thoughts into the unconscious and preventing painful or dangerous
thoughts from entering consciousness.
9.
Sublimation:
acting out unacceptable impulses in a socially acceptable way.
10. Humor: Refocusing attention on the somewhat
comical side of the situation to relieve negative tension; similar to comic
relief.
134. A lie can get halfway around the
world before the truth can even get its boots on.
135. Wisdom is ‘seeing through the
illusion.
136. The saddest lies are the ones we
tell ourselves.
137. Magical
Thinking: Believing that the laws of physics, economics, or the laws of
cause and effect, don't apply to you. Believing in miracles or believing that
wishful thinking or sheer will alone can cause the outcome you are hoping for
are examples of magical thinking, as are appeals to paranormal or supernatural
phenomena. Don't let optimism exceed the bounds of reality. Hope is not a strategy.
138. Global Labeling: This is
the fallacy of overgeneralization, combined with an unrepresentative
stereotype. Suspend judgment until you have an opportunity to
meet and understand a person as an individual. Do not generalize one or two
qualities into a negative judgment about a person or group. The symbol is not the person.
139. Heaven's
Reward Fallacy: Don't expect every sacrifice you make to be
rewarded. Don't play the martyr. Sometimes life is fair, but too often it is
not. No one is coming to save you. You are responsible for your own life, well
being, and happiness. Exercise your autonomy and take action because you want to,
not because you believe you will mysteriously be rewarded.
140. Confabulation:
Manufacturing a plausible story to account for surprising events or behavior.
People often unknowingly fill gaps in memory with fabrications that they
believe to be true. They confuse imagination with memory, or they confuse true
memories with false memories. Often people can’t seem to stop themselves from
making up explanations after the fact for whatever it was they just did for
unconscious reasons.
141. Critical thinking is
thinking about things in certain ways so as to arrive at the best possible
solution in the circumstances that the thinker is aware of. In more everyday
language, it is a way of thinking about whatever is presently occupying your
mind so that you come to the best possible conclusion.
142. Neuro-Linguistic Programming, or
NLP, provides practical ways in which you can change the way that you think,
view past events, and approach your life.
143.
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